33.365 stop me, #194 in explore !
A few nice find love in a hopeless place song images I found:
33.365 stop me, #194 in explore !
Image by ashley rose,
"i would rather write her a song,
because songs don’t wait to resolve,
and because songs mean so much to her.
stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things,
bold enough to sing,
when all they know is darkness.
these words,
like most words,
will be written next to midnight,
between hurricane and harbor,
as both claim to save her.
Renee is 19.
when i meet her,
cocaine is fresh in her system.
she hasn’t slept in 36 hours,
and she won’t for another 24.
it is a familiar blur of coke,
pot,
pills,
and alcohol.
she has agreed to meet us,
to listen and to let us pray.
we ask Renee to come with us,
to leave this broken night.
she says she’ll go to rehab tomorrow,
but she isn’t ready now.
it is too great a change.
we pray and say goodbye,
and it is hard to leave without her.
she has known such great pain;
haunted dreams as a child,
the near-constant presence of evil ever since.
she has felt the touch of awful naked men,
battled depression and addiction,
and attempted suicide.
her arms remember razor blades,
fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds.
six hours after i meet her,
she is feeling trapped,
two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas.
everyone is asleep.
the sun is rising.
she drinks long from a bottle of liquor,
takes a razor blade from the table,
and locks herself in the bathroom.
she cuts herself,
using the blade to write
"FUCK UP"
large across her left forearm.
the nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later.
the center has no detox,
names her too great a risk,
and does not accept her.
for the next five days,
she is ours to love.
we become her hospital,
and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life.
it is unspoken,
and there are only a few of us,
but we will be her church,
the body of Christ coming alive,
to meet her needs,
to write love on her arms.
she is full of contrast,
more alive and closer to death,
than anyone i’ve known,
like a Johnny Cash song,
or some theatre star.
she owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years,
and when she tells me her story,
she is humble,
and quiet ,
and kind,
shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes.
i sit,
privileged,
but breaking as she shares.
her life has been so dark,
yet there is some soft hope in her words,
and on consecutive evenings,
i watch the prettiest girls in the room,
tell her that she’s beautiful.
i think it’s God reminding her.
i’ve never walked this road,
but i decide that if we’re going to run a five-day rehab,
it is going to be the coolest in the country.
it is going to be rock and roll.
we start with the basics;
lots of fun,
too much Starbucks,
and way too many cigarettes.
thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando’s finest.
they are indie-folk-fabulous,
a movement disguised as a circus.
she loves them,
and she smiles when i point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe,
in town from London just to catch this show.
she is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night,
screaming like a lifelong fan,
with every Dwight Howard dunk.
on the way home,
we stop for more coffee and books,
Blue Like Jazz,
and (Anne Lamott’s) Travelling Mercies.
on Saturday,
the Taste of Chaos tour is in town,
and i’m not even sure we can get in,
but doors do open and minutes after parking,
we are on stage for Thrice,
one of her favorite bands.
she stands ten feet from the drummer,
smiling constantly.
it is a bright moment there in the music,
as light and rain collide,
above the stage.
it feels like healing.
it is certainly hope.
sunday night is church,
and many gather after the service to pray for Renee,
this her last night before entering rehab. some are strangers,
but all are friends tonight.
the prayers move from broken to bold,
all encouraging.
we’re talking to God,
but i think as much,
we’re talking to her,
telling her she’s loved,
saying she does not go alone.
one among us knows her best.
Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar,
singing songs she’s inspired.
after church our house fills with friends,
there for a few more moments before goodbye.
everyone has some gift for her,
some note,
or hug,
or piece of encouragement.
she pulls me aside,
and tells me she would like to give me something.
i smile,
surprised,
wondering what it could be.
we walk through the crowded living room,
to the garage and her stuff.
she hands me her last razor blade,
tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm,
and her last lines of cocaine five nights before.
she’s had it with her ever since,
shares that tonight will be the hardest night,
and she shouldn’t have it.
i hold it carefully,
thank her and know instantly that this moment,
this gift,
will stay with me.
it hits me to wonder,
if this great feeling is what Christ knows,
when we surrender our broken hearts,
when we trade death for life.
as we arrive at the treatment center,
she finishes:
"The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds.
We miss them in the storms.
Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."
i have watched life come back to her,
and it has been a privilege.
when our time with her began, someone suggested shifts,
but that is the language of business.
love is something better.
i have been challenged and changed,
reminded that love,
is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions.
Don Miller says,
we’re called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world,
to stop the bleeding.
i agree so greatly.
we often ask God to show up.
we pray prayers of rescue.
perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue,
to be His body,
to move for things that matter.
he is not invisible when we come alive.
i might be simple,
but more and more,
i believe God works in love,
speaks in love,
is revealed in our love.
i have seen that this week,
and honestly,
it has been simple:
Take a broken girl,
treat her like a famous princess,
give her the best seats in the house.
buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down,
books and bathroom things for the days ahead.
tell her something true when all she’s known are lies.
tell her God loves her.
tell her about forgiveness,
the possibility of freedom,
tell her she was made to dance in white dresses.
all these things are true.
we are only asked to love,
to offer hope to the many hopeless.
we don’t get to choose all the endings,
but we are asked to play the rescuers.
we won’t solve all mysteries,
and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life,
but it is the best way.
we were made to be lovers,
bold in broken places,
pouring ourselves out,
again and again,
until we’re called home.
i have learned so much in one week with one brave girl.
she is alive now,
in the patience and safety of rehab,
covered in marks of madness,
but choosing to believe that God makes things new,
that He meant hope and healing in the stars.
she would ask you to remember."
-Jaimie Tworkowski.
The story of Renee Yohe:
she is the inspiration and start of To Write Love on Her Arms,
possibly the most inspiring story and help and hope and love and life i’ve heard in my life,
i hope it means something to you;
it means my life to me.
again, this picture goes to trevor,
he’s a great friend,
one of the best i could ever ask for.
“Memories”
Image by Gamma-Ray Productions
"What will I do now heaven knows
find another I suppose
Now you say you don’t want to know."
‘Bout time to finally do another Madness reference.
‘Memories’ is a b-side of the band’s hit single ‘Grey Day’ and unlike most of their songs, it was sung by Chas Smash (Carl Smyth). It’s a very sad, almost hopeless-sounding song about a breakup between the singer and a loved one.
It has a very nice melody in my opinion, a bright, reflective piano and your familiar-sounding bass procession for the chorus (the six-note-gap procession within two keys, D and C). Chas truly sounds sad. Same goes for the sax.
I often find writing about their B-sides a lot more fun and interesting than their singles. Like deleted scenes, they’re all essentially part of the band’s package – they just didn’t have the time, resources and interest in marketing it or bringing it to real attention than their singles.
—
The photo here is supposed to focus on the picture I printed out of my computer screen, on which is Facebook – featuring the photo of me ‘making a point.’
Around it is assorted pictures not just of me but other people around me and scenes taken from various times and places. One’s an HDR, another is a monochrome from a school event several years ago, another is one of my ‘posters.’ A magazine featuring camera comparisons is at the top.
The song: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zBd0wTtRng
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