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Let’s be honest here.,
Yes, there are some very attractive, brilliant and intriguing men out there who also have Aspergers, and they can make the sweetest dates in the world. But the majority of women, NT or not, who marry an aspie man end up having one or more children with some form of autism *and* being the de facto sole caretakers and coordinators of the household. Most of these women will end up with major depression and one or more autoimmune diseases from never having their own light reflected back at them as time goes on living with someone who is almost completely unreciprocal but who is supposed to be your life partner.
Books such as this one and “Going over the edge” by Kathy Marshack are lifelines for such women because leaving their marriages tends to be logistically, emotionally and economically insurmountable. (Try doing it with a special needs child, depressed, economically stretched and socially isolated, Cassandra.)
But I have a problem with publishers who aim to present the books of these authors as rah-rah solutions, or as how-to-have-a-successful-marriage guides. These are books on how to cope with a seriously challenging and dehumanizing life situation. And they are written red flags to those who haven’t yet gone to the altar or had kids. Want the boiled-down version? Here it is:
***You can have a decent life with a man with Aspergers. Just do not expect anything from the marriage and be prepared to be the one doing all of the giving and most of the work. Make your own friends, because he may not have any and is likely to either avoid yours or behave strangely in front of them. Focus on how unique he is, how cute and smart and quirky he can be. Strive to understand the way he looks at the world. Be willing to teach him and explain things. Every day.***
Does this sound like a success story to you? It isn’t. If it were, these authors wouldn’t have poured their guts and knowledge into books to get the word out. And thank heavens that they’ve done so.
(And yes, Aspie guys can be as giving as the next person, sometimes moreso. The difference is that in marriage and affection you will need to tell them what to do, when and how to do it. (i.e. “You have to sleep with me once in a while. I need you to comfort me when something really bad has just happened. You have to acknowledge me when we’re in the same room / eat with me for some meals”, etc.) …Then you will need to tell them again a few days later. For years. (Readers of publisher’s reviews read: “But don’t give up! You want to make your marriage work, don’t you??”)
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|Very Helpful,
Long before a diagnosis, my husband and I knew that he had Asperger’s. It just took the medical community all these years to be able to test and diagnose adults. I found this book helpful and really want to get my husband to read it as well. This author points out that ( depending on the severity of the Asperger’s ) the diagnosed spouse or partner CAN learn some things to cope and behave in a more “normal” fashion. I know this to be true because I’ve known my husband since high school and that’s been 30 years. We’ve only been married for 17 years. I know he can “adapt” when he makes an effort. It just seems that since the diagnosis he is much less willing to “adapt”. I think this book will be useful in guiding a conversation between us about expectations going forward. It states the woman’s ( or non-Asperger’s) side clearly and in a way I think my husband can understand. As is typical for many AS folks, he can receive information; especially information regarding OUR relationship and my emotions much better in written form than he can just listen to me talk. I am very pleased with this purchase, and we’ve purchased two or three others about Asperger’s in marriage. This is by far my favorite.
Wife of an AS Guy.
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|Great Help!,
I am an NT female married to an undiagnosed Aspie male. This book provided me validation and relief. The weight that has been lifted from my shoulders is indescribable to say the least. As a Christian, I have anguished over ending my marriage many times, family and friends think I should leave but I stayed due to my love for Jesus and felt that while I wanted to leave, which I am financially and physically able to do, I needed to wait on the Lord to provide me guidance. I am thankful that I waited on the Lord and ignored all the outside influences and my own emotions. This book has changed my view of my husband, our relationship and myself. I talked to my husband about Asperger’s Syndrome/Disorder and he was very receptive and actually looked relived. He has experienced a lifetime of emotional distress that has had a profound effect on his life and how he relates in relationships. We both seem to be more comfortable with each other and are looking forward to a future together. While the future isn’t what I had hoped and dreamed of in a partner, it is a hopeful future that will be different and have challenges but that’s life. I saw myself and husband in just about ever chapter. This book is a must read. Rudy, Thank you for writing this book and Jesus Christ for guiding me to read it.
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