How can I stop being jealous in my romantic relationships? I want to be a better partner?
Question by Consultant: How can I stop being jealous in my romantic relationships? I want to be a better partner?
In any relationship that I’ve had I become just a terrible girlfriend. I will admit it. It doesn’t matter the guy or how good he is to me, I am terrible. I get jealous of any girl he’s ever dated, consistently question how pretty he thinks they are, and then use his answers against him. I go into old email accounts and read messages he’s sent to past flings and then get mad about it, I get jealous of female co-workers. With every man I’ve dated, they’ve told me how they felt like they’ve had to walk on egg shells and don’t know how else to show that they love me. They can be kind and do so many things for me, but I’m always insecure, no matter who the guy is. I constantly compare myself to other women and have them answer questions to constantly reassure me. I had one boyfriend tell me that he specifically looked for jobs where he would only work with other men to ease my mind, he burned all pictures of past girlfriends. Another boyfriend cut off all contact with any female. Then when the relationships end, I just become a normal version of myself. This is sick, and as a result, the relationships become very toxic, and I’m very well aware of this.
However, this is not my regular behavior. As a friend, person, and professional, I’m very relaxed, non-dramatic, and easygoing. Why is it that I’m crazy in relationships, and how can I improve this? It’s like I refuse to accept that a guy loves me and insist that he must love someone else. As a result I jump to conclusions and falsely accuse them. Nothing is ever good enough, and I’m aware this is a problem within me, not them.
This behavior is that of a teenager, but I’m an adult woman in my late 20s. How can I get this under control? Tips on being a better girlfriend??
Best answer:
Answer by Sassy Claus
I think you need to go to the root of this… how did you start acting like this? You said your other relationships are not full of drama so this is not a broad problem. It’s narrow and isolated to romantic relationships only. I believe there is a reason you started acting like this. From what I have read you seem to be insecure and possibly have low self-esteem when it comes to men… why is that? You need to evaluate yourself and your past relationships. Have you always been like this? Why do you feel insecure when it comes to men?
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
To be loved doesn’t require that you know the truth of love. But to love another you must discover its Truth. Jealously and other unpleasant emotions are what we feel when we look to absolutely possess or control the actions of another by a will of mind wrought by the experience of not being able to control its own unpleasant thoughts. (I call the source of this insecurity a lie.) Yet to love, you must release, or in other word, destroy the lie or thought of absolute possession and control, not only of another but of what you think you currently need to be loved. Realize, perfect love is always being given to you in like manner. (You’ll know this as the support and guidance from that which created you to live a truly loved and loving life, regarless of the mistakes you have thus far made.)
You need to get to the root of your insecurity. This may require getting into therapy, with a therapist that specializes in relationship issues. You’ll need to really think about your previous relationships – did you have a partner that withheld affection, or was abusive? Is there a non-romantic relationship, where you may have gotten the message that you are undeserving of love (such as an emotionally manipulative parent/authority figure, that may have told you no one would ever love you)? Or, did you see your parents in a similar cycle (one partner being irrationally jealous, possessive and demanding), and are modelling your relationships on that unhealthy template?
It’s good that you recognize your responsibility in your unsuccessful relationships, and that you want to change. You can start by changing some of your behaviors – such as, snooping through emails. When the urge to read your partner’s email comes up, do not give in to it. Go for a run, take a bath, watch a movie – anything to keep you busy until the urge passes. Also, getting your partner to password protect their email, to keep you out of it, might also be an idea. It’s going to be a lot harder to find old emails to drive yourself crazy with, if you can’t get into them in the first place. If you feel the need to accuse your partner of cheating/not loving you/something else, take a few minutes to relax – lots of deep breaths, and calming thoughts. If you’re still feeling like your partner doesn’t want to be with you, don’t accuse them of anything – instead, be honest with your boyfriend. Tell them you’re feeling insecure, and would like a little reassurance from them – ask them to point out a few of your attributes, and let you know that you’re important to them. Making your partner aware of your insecurity in a more positive manner (by being honest about your insecurity, rather than suddenly accusing them of cheating and having a fit about it) may help.
Most of all, remind yourself that you’re a pretty decent person (make a list of your good qualities), and you deserve to be happy.
I think you can go for a doctor and that may help a lot. Or is your family have effect on your insecure? That maybe a problem. Do not care too much for the form, such as cut off pictures or not contact with their ex. It’s helpless I think. They may do something in common that make you feel uncomfortable and you don’t believe in them. Find out the real reason and try to overcome it!
THERE IS NO……………..easy fix.
You need therapy & the WILL to improve.
Perhaps you just PREFER to be alone & sabotage every relationship until your are dumped.
Obviously you think that is what you DESERVE.
Get yourself a dog or cat & learn to love a pet first.
Then maybe you can learn to love yourself.
Therapy (if you can afford it) or self-help books is another way to go.
Until you love yourself your relationships are doomed.