Q&A: How do you make friends with someone when you both are shy? {rsstitle}
Question by justkickinit: How do you make friends with someone when you both are shy?
Most of my friendships just happened from mutual friends but there is this guy I wanna try fwb with because I am almost sure he is gay and you should kinda know who you are fooling around with. What should I do/say to befriend him. We both are in the same lab group in physics but don’t talk much
Best answer:
Answer by ARON
Ask him what kinda music he likes, that’s always a great ice breaker. After that just ask more about him and find common ground. Eventually you’ll have enough to go on so you can hang out together outside of physics without things being awkward.
What do you think? Answer below!
Be yourself, people know if your trying to be something your not. Just say hi — ask him a question.
It would be good to know more about you and what you’re really looking for. You talk about fwb as if it’s one simple thing, some kind of “object” almost, that you can just find a way to get for yourself. But ask yourself this question: are you more interested in the “friends” part, or the “benefits” part? In other words, are you just saying you want sex? If that’s the case, are you embarrassed or ashamed to admit it even here on YA? But if what you want is friendship, then that’s what you should be talking about.
Or maybe you really want love, but are even more afraid to admit that. You would hardly be the first person of whom that’s true. But you won’t make any progress with this problem until you admit it, if in fact it’s the case.
As for this particular situation, everyone is different. Even if you’re both shy, you have different personalities and will approach things differently. So there’s no one simple answer that will tell you how to become friends. You have to face this fact: being shy by its nature will keep you apart. That’s what shyness does. So you have to find a way either to get around the shyness, and begin communication in spite of being shy, or you have to overcome the shyness and start acting as if you’re not shy.
If circumstances allow it, the first solution is the easier of the two. But you have to be a little lucky for this to work. It means you find something, anything, you have in common with this boy — investigate him secretly. Is he online? Do you know his facebook page? Do you know anyone who’s friends with him? Do you know where he lives? Take whatever information you have about him and build on it — find out enough so that you can find some area where you share an interest. For example, if he’s in a school chess club, then you can join the same club — that would give you a situation where you could talk naturally without necessarily having to be extroverted.
Of course this depends on how shy you are. If you’re INTENSELY shy, so much that you can barely communicate with anyone, then your problem is much bigger and you need to deal with the shyness, probably with therapy.
By the way, there’s a great example of a very shy gay man who became famous in an Irish TV game show — his name is Roger Dowds, and his story is fascinating and very moving. There was a well-known radio documentary about him. The Irish version is available here:
http://www.rte.ie/radio1/doconone/the-curious-ear-doconone-millionaire.html
It was also broadcast in a different form on This American Life:
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/326/quiz-show
But about your would-be friend: if you can’t find something in common that you can build on to “naturally” spend time around him, then you have a simple choice: either you overcome your shyness and simply go up to him and start talking, or you will not become friends. It’s as simple as that.
If you decide to overcome your shyness, I suggest maybe making a list of potential things to ask him beforehand. Also, if you’re no good at small talk, do some research to find out how to do it. There are books on the subject — how to talk to people, how to overcome shyness, how to get people to trust you, etc. Read them. See if you can find some answers that make sense to you. Then find a time that works and just walk up to him and introduce yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t approach him with the intention of asking for sex right away. First of all, if you do that, it’s not fwb, it’s just sex. Fine, if that’s what you want — but you probably won’t get it in that situation. Better to admit you just want sex and find some other way to get it. But if you want to become friends, then focus on that.
I was a very shy bisexual teenager too — I missed out on a lot because I couldn’t figure out how to deal with my shyness. It didn’t help that back in those days, NO ONE could ever have admitted they were bisexual or gay in my school. It was a very painful situation for me, and I feel like I must have some idea what it’s like for you. So I do feel compassion for you. Good luck.